The blessing and curse of diversity in the Church-- they're one and the same thing.
They sit just a few feet from each other in Church. One Sunday a few months back, during the refugee crisis, one of them asked that we pray for President Trump because he's destroying our country. The sentiment was clearly that through prayer we might change the direction Trump was headed and the course down which our country is being led.
And then this last Sunday, we were asked by the other person to pray for Brett Kavanaugh that God might give him peace throughout these confirmation hearings and the vicious attacks that are aimed at destroying him.
In the first case I had a conversation with the gentleman and explained that I simply could not offer such politically partisan prayers. In the second I offered a petition for "wisdom and discernment for our elected officials and peace of mind to all involved" in the hearings.
After thought and reflection I have come to a couple of conclusions. First, given the political divide in our country it is incredibly difficult to maintain a unity of Spirit within a congregation. Secondly, that we face such a divide in our congregation is a wonderful blessing for it indicates that there is no political litmus test for membership here.
Of course, this puts pressure on me as the pastor. There is a balancing act involved in the attempt to be in active conversation with the various voices in the congregation. The most difficult thing is that I have a political bias, and the truth is that those biases inevitably show up in various subtle and not so subtle ways. How does one keep that enough in check as to be able to continue to effectively serve both camps? And yet, how does one avoid losing all integrity by not addressing issues that are clearly important with deep convictions of faith involved.
Case in point, our immigration crisis. That families should be reunited (actually, never separated in the first place) seems to me to be such a basic issue of Christian virtue, justice, morality, etc., etc., that it blows my mind that others support the practice at our border, and that to suggest it should be otherwise is such a politically biased and controversial position in our day and age. A second and more complicated issue is the controversies involved in the Kavanaugh hearing. Let's just say that it is unfathomable to me that some Christians (actually many!) will side with Kavanaugh, even if he is guilty of the allegations, and that they are ready to vilify the woman who is alleged to be the victim in this case. I mean, my sentiments believe that we should be supporting the victim, not the abuser. And yet there is another perspective, namely that though wrong, this behavior is so far in the past and really should be water under the bridge by now. Destroy a man's life over some poor judgment calls as a youth? No, many people are saying. And of course, there is the question of who do you believe?
Our congregation has a purpose statement which declares "God's purpose for our congregation is to welcome, love, and serve all in our local and global community." That we have such a statement to guide us is wonderful and everyone seems to embrace it. But the implications can be very controversial. I believe that it is my calling as a pastor to offer pastoral care to everyone, regardless. But in saying that am I making a highly biased statement? The truth is that many can support such a statement in general, but the specifics get sticky. Are conservatives ready to extend the Church's welcome to gay and lesbian people? Are liberals willing to extend the Church's welcome to those who feel this is wrong? And can the two live together?
Reconciled Diversity is a concept our national Church adopted. We differ, but remain one in Christ.
My hope and prayer is that we will continue to live into that reality.
Showing posts with label reconciliation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reconciliation. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
Sunday, August 26, 2018
Resolving Anger
Thankfully, negative emotions like anger do not last forever, or at least should not last forever. We can dwell on them, perpetuate them, and allow them to simmer. Anger can turn inward. It can also transform into a hatred.
A friend responded to last week's blog by asking how we deal with those negative emotions that often lead us to overeat, smoke, drink and otherwise engage in self destructive behaviors. In addition such emotions also can lead to harmful actions against our neighbor that destroy relationships and in the worst cases, are harmful to others.
I've stewed about it. I've smoked, and drank till I could do so no more. And then I've stewed some more, ruminating into the wee hours of the morning for days on end. Thankfully, I think that I've learned something through many years of therapy, through Alcoholics Anonymous, and simply through self reflection.
Here are my thoughts:
Name it. One of the least helpful ways to deal with anger is to not deal with it, to deny it exists, and to internalize it all with the hopes that it will just go away. I was not given permission to be angry when I was growing up. In general, emotions were considered weakness. One of the most difficult things for me to distinguish early in my therapy was the difference between emotions and thoughts, and to name the emotions. "I think" was often followed with an emotional outburst. "I feel" often led into a thought or a judgment. Getting those straight is part of naming. I think that our immigration policy is unjust and cruel. I am angry that children are taken from their parents and that we still are unable to reunite them. My thoughts and my anger are two separate things.
Own it. One of the most important lessons I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is that my emotions are mine, and mine alone. They originate within me. I am never a victim to my emotions. Others don't "make" me mad. I experience emotions because I am who I am. I may resent others or their actions, but the resentment is mine. I react in this way, for example, because of a disparity between personal convictions about how things should be, and the reality of how they are. Injustice shouldn't be, but it is, and so I react. But the reaction is mine. I am not an emotional victim.
Discern. There is a difference between righteous anger and unrighteous. I get angry when innocent people are hurt. Child abuse, for example, results in my being angry. I also get angry when I don't get my own way. The first is an example of righteous anger, the latter of unrighteous. If I discern that my anger is just because I don't get my own way, perhaps I can let it go and experience a more appropriate emotion, such as disappointment. Also, righteous anger more appropriately has as its object actions, not people. When we focus on the people, we risk emotions becoming more intense. Anger becomes hatred, and hatred endures. For example, I am angry that a teacher abused me during my adolescence, but if I allow that anger to become a hatred toward him, it will consume ME.
Act appropriately. Regarding my history of being a victim of abuse: I remember that it wasn't until my own children approached the age that I was when I was abused that I was able to recognize and name my own abuse for what it was. I became angry. I imagined killing anyone who did that to one of my children. Not appropriate. To work at freeing victims from abuse, protecting children from abuse, punishing the perpetrators of abuse appropriately through legal means-- these are appropriate actions. I believe that righteous anger's appropriate role is to motivate action. But not just any action will do. "Appropriate" is the key qualifier here.
Let it go. My memory is one of my curses. I can name something my wife did within the first twenty four hours of our marriage that I got angry about. We've been married over forty years. If I dwell on it, I can resurrect that anger. Not good or helpful. When I forgive someone, I become free. The greatest impact of forgiveness is on the one doing the forgiving. By the time I recognized that I was a victim of abuse, the abuser was dead. Eventually, I was able to forgive him, or at the very least, I'm working on it. But that forgiveness is important for me-- he's dead and quite unaffected by it.
In all of this, a good friend, a spiritual guide, a confessor helps. In A.A. we have sponsors. For some people it will be a pastor. I've used a therapist extensively. The primary purpose is to have someone who can help who is not blinded by an emotional fog.
Related to this is prayer, at least for people of faith. Prayer, when offered for the one whose actions have resulted in our being angry, can help. It can change our attitude and our emotions.
Self destructive behaviors do not help.
This became clearest for me my last night drinking. No matter how much I drank, the rage I was experiencing did not go away. It was persistent. My "solution" nearly killed me. I hope that I'm in a better place now and more capable of dealing with those emotions.
A friend responded to last week's blog by asking how we deal with those negative emotions that often lead us to overeat, smoke, drink and otherwise engage in self destructive behaviors. In addition such emotions also can lead to harmful actions against our neighbor that destroy relationships and in the worst cases, are harmful to others.
I've stewed about it. I've smoked, and drank till I could do so no more. And then I've stewed some more, ruminating into the wee hours of the morning for days on end. Thankfully, I think that I've learned something through many years of therapy, through Alcoholics Anonymous, and simply through self reflection.
Here are my thoughts:
Name it. One of the least helpful ways to deal with anger is to not deal with it, to deny it exists, and to internalize it all with the hopes that it will just go away. I was not given permission to be angry when I was growing up. In general, emotions were considered weakness. One of the most difficult things for me to distinguish early in my therapy was the difference between emotions and thoughts, and to name the emotions. "I think" was often followed with an emotional outburst. "I feel" often led into a thought or a judgment. Getting those straight is part of naming. I think that our immigration policy is unjust and cruel. I am angry that children are taken from their parents and that we still are unable to reunite them. My thoughts and my anger are two separate things.
Own it. One of the most important lessons I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is that my emotions are mine, and mine alone. They originate within me. I am never a victim to my emotions. Others don't "make" me mad. I experience emotions because I am who I am. I may resent others or their actions, but the resentment is mine. I react in this way, for example, because of a disparity between personal convictions about how things should be, and the reality of how they are. Injustice shouldn't be, but it is, and so I react. But the reaction is mine. I am not an emotional victim.
Discern. There is a difference between righteous anger and unrighteous. I get angry when innocent people are hurt. Child abuse, for example, results in my being angry. I also get angry when I don't get my own way. The first is an example of righteous anger, the latter of unrighteous. If I discern that my anger is just because I don't get my own way, perhaps I can let it go and experience a more appropriate emotion, such as disappointment. Also, righteous anger more appropriately has as its object actions, not people. When we focus on the people, we risk emotions becoming more intense. Anger becomes hatred, and hatred endures. For example, I am angry that a teacher abused me during my adolescence, but if I allow that anger to become a hatred toward him, it will consume ME.
Act appropriately. Regarding my history of being a victim of abuse: I remember that it wasn't until my own children approached the age that I was when I was abused that I was able to recognize and name my own abuse for what it was. I became angry. I imagined killing anyone who did that to one of my children. Not appropriate. To work at freeing victims from abuse, protecting children from abuse, punishing the perpetrators of abuse appropriately through legal means-- these are appropriate actions. I believe that righteous anger's appropriate role is to motivate action. But not just any action will do. "Appropriate" is the key qualifier here.
Let it go. My memory is one of my curses. I can name something my wife did within the first twenty four hours of our marriage that I got angry about. We've been married over forty years. If I dwell on it, I can resurrect that anger. Not good or helpful. When I forgive someone, I become free. The greatest impact of forgiveness is on the one doing the forgiving. By the time I recognized that I was a victim of abuse, the abuser was dead. Eventually, I was able to forgive him, or at the very least, I'm working on it. But that forgiveness is important for me-- he's dead and quite unaffected by it.
In all of this, a good friend, a spiritual guide, a confessor helps. In A.A. we have sponsors. For some people it will be a pastor. I've used a therapist extensively. The primary purpose is to have someone who can help who is not blinded by an emotional fog.
Related to this is prayer, at least for people of faith. Prayer, when offered for the one whose actions have resulted in our being angry, can help. It can change our attitude and our emotions.
Self destructive behaviors do not help.
This became clearest for me my last night drinking. No matter how much I drank, the rage I was experiencing did not go away. It was persistent. My "solution" nearly killed me. I hope that I'm in a better place now and more capable of dealing with those emotions.
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