Bipolar-Not Crazy

One of my greatest fears about my diagnosis, and being open about that diagnosis, is that every idea and action that I envision is judged as simply a manifestation of my disease and should be suspect.  In my case, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II, which is differentiated from Bipolar I in that instead of full blown manic episodes, there are hypo-manic episodes, which are not (as) psychotic or delusional.  In my experience, my most creative, productive, and successful times have been during my hypo-manic episodes.  In fact, many of the ideas and activities that I engaged in while in a hypo-manic episode were damn good ideas with excellent results.  My experience of being bipolar is of cycling over and over again from a euphoric high where there seemed to be no limits to what I could do, and a debilitating depression, in which normal everyday activities became nearly impossible to complete without great effort.  Actually, it was during my depressed times that I was probably subject to attitudes and feelings that were the most out of touch with reality.

For example, in my first post I talked about the hypo-manic episode that resulted in the development of Luther Park at Sandpoint.  I'm proud of Luther Park.  It will likely be the crowning achievement of my ministry.  Nothing can diminish that, or the positive impact Luther Park is having on our community and in the lives of those it serves.  Some of the things to note about Luther Park:

• We dared to "dream the impossible dream" (and make it a reality).  Luther Park was the largest endeavor financed by the Mission Investment Fund of the ELCA, and one of the largest building projects ever completed by an individual congregation in our Church.
• In creating Luther Park, the appropriate partners were enlisted that had the expertise to guide its development and operation.  As a consequence we were able to create a state of the art facility that is "transforming aging"  in our community.  
• The sixty units of assisted living and twenty seven units of memory care have filled to capacity.  The quality of care being offered at Luther Park is second to none.  

So far so good.  But what are some of the aspects of my mental state at the time that were more clearly a manifestation of my hypo-manic state.  Well, without trying to be exhaustive, here are a few:

• Caution was thrown to the wind.  I must confess that my sense that this was my special calling from God was so powerful that it prevented any reasonable evaluation of the risk involved.  I saw no reason to be cautious.  OK, so our congregation had an annual revenue of $200,000.  Most people might think twice about taking on a 15 million dollar mortgage with annual payments of over a million dollars.  I must confess, the potential implications of that never truly registered.  

• There was an "Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity" present.  For me this was not just a project that might have a positive impact in Sandpoint, but I envisioned it being duplicated throughout the country (there are thousands of other congregations that could do this, I thought) and that I had the unique gifts to transform the Church by such an endeavor.
    
• "A hypo-manic episode is characterized by a distinct period of persistently elevated, expansive, or irratable mood. . ."  You probably didn't want to get in my way.  My sense of being called by God to this endeavor was so powerful that anyone who objected was seen not only as an irritation, but their concerns were dismissed by me as being invalid (and un-Godly).  I was riding a high and no one was going to burst my bubble.  Besides, in the grand scheme of things, this was but a first step and had to be successfully completed in order for the whole plan to unfold.
• Part of my "plan" was the revenues generated through the development of Luther Park could be used to fully fund the salaries of the salaries of most/all of the pastors serving in the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Russia and Other States.  A long story here that  I'll not go into now, but let it suffice to say that during other hypo-manic episodes other grand schemes were envisioned, and to greater or lessor extents, realized.  Also, in my mind, they were all related.

In the end there are two bottom lines to all this.  The first and most important is that if you or your loved one has dementia, or otherwise needs assisted living in Sandpoint, you will be pleased to know that Luther Park is there.  The second, and this I really wrestle with, is that there was a significant cost associated with my efforts to expand this vision beyond Sandpoint, a cost that others bear.  You win some, you loose some.

Perhaps it is just one more aspect of my bipolar disorder, but I do believe that the "gifts" associated with my disease were able to be used, by God, to advance the mission of the Church.  Again, the fact is that as I write, a hundred residents are being cared for at Luther Park.  That is not a delusion.  That is not the result of psychotic behaviors.  I'm bipolar, not crazy.