Permission to be. . .Happy

Strange title.  Unless you're bipolar.
I'm making some changes in my life, entering into semi-retirement.  I've left my job at the cabinet shop where I've worked the last four years, am beginning to take some pensions withdrawals, and reopening my own business.

The previous job was difficult.  Up at 3:30 am, hour commute, ten hour days, home at five for supper, then bed.  Day after day.  Drudgery.

I'm done.

In spite of having surgery on Monday for two hernias (thanks to the heavy lifting at my prior job) I've felt better than I have in years.  Really good.

Sound the alarms.

As a bipolar person one cannot help but wonder when you feel good, if you're feeling TOO good.  Actually, Monday following surgery that may have been the case.  Hydrocodone and acetaminophen.  Norco.  I reacted and couldn't sleep all night.  Perhaps a bit high.  I stopped after two doses.  I'll put up with the pain.

But, in general, I'm excited.  Really excited.

My son and I are building a shop.  Lifetime dream.  Its happening.  Excitement.  And with my reopening my business I'm buying a few new tools.  Not an excessive amount.  But a few.  Any new tool is cause for excitement.  A planer.  A sliding miter saw.  A dovetail jig.  Oh, and I'll be building a new assembly table.  Well thought out, and needed.  Not breaking my budget.

But the albatross hanging around the neck of any bipolar person who actually feels good, even great, is mania.  Has my chemical balance shifted? 

My psychiatrist applauds the changes.  She's not concerned.  "Well thought out, rational choices, that make sense."  Not some grandiose scheme to change the world.

And then things are going well at church.  Some welcome developments that should stabilize that congregation for a good while.

So is it alright to actually be happy and excited about life?  I've spent so much of my life pensive and melancholy that I'm just not sure what to do with my self and can't help wondering what's wrong.

Maybe "what's wrong" is just that every things right.

That's a change.

When God opens a door

Persistence and resilience are a mixed bag.  Sometimes those traits have gotten me in trouble as I pushed down a road I probably was not meant to go down in the first place.  Sometimes doors close for a reason.  They've also been a Godsend, allowing me to achieve goals and bounce back from life's pitfalls.  In these instances doors open, sometimes like those automated doors in businesses-- you approach and the door opens.  These are special moments.

Part of my faith is to trust these open doors and to see in them the hand of God leading, guiding, and providing.  It was like that when we went to seminary.  It was really like that when we came to Sandpoint.  And when I went through treatment, left ministry on disability, and began to rebuild my life doors opened along the way.

And now I face another such transition and moving into my retirement years.  This has opened up some possibilities.  Key among them is building a shop and resuming my work in my own business, Olsons WoodWorks.  For a while I encountered roadblock after roadblock, especially with regards to insurance.  Insurers just don't like the exposure of home based businesses.  Or making anything for children.  Or ladders.  Or boats.  Or stools.  Uffda.

But on Friday I received the pledge for the insurance, as well as the go ahead on the shop, and  positive news on the church front.  Every uncertainty seemed to be answered and in the positive. 

Life feels good right now.

One of the most encouraging things is when those trusted friends you count on offer their affirmation.  That's a  good meter, a sanity meter if you will, for judging whether one's judgment passes the smell test.  And to have my psychiatrist weigh in on this and applaud the decision really helped.  Of course, the most important voice to listen to was my wife, whose caution is a good counter to my ambition.

There are many months ahead when I'm sure some uncertainty will remain.  But we move forward in faith and good courage.  I'm reminded again of my prayer, composed  by me during one of my transitions, and to which my heart returns from time to time.

Hold me tight, most precious Lord,

That I might follow you.

Grant me grace to live each day,

May I be born anew.

Lift me up whenever I fall,

And never let me fade

From the grace filled light

Of your own sight

That turns the night to day.

Questions & Answers

One of the most difficult aspects of being bipolar is negotiating the challenges of life, making decisions on important issues, and being certain that those decisions are rational and not part of a manic flurry or depressed fog.  In a manic phase one can be far too bold and optimistic.  "Why do you doubt me and my dreams?" would be an example of the mindset.  In a depressed mode decisions are made, if they are made at all, with a sense of "I have no choice."

I think I'm in a good place.  The questions I wrote about last time are being answered.

1. Do I go back to work in my own business, Olsons Woodworks?  
   The answer is yes.  I have a golden opportunity to do that and a major commission with which to start doing the kitchen for my brother and sister in law.
2. If so, should I build a shop?
   My financing has been approved so yes.  I think so.  Unfortunately it won't be done in time to build the kitchen.  But its coming.
3. What does the future hold for me regarding ministry?  Will Peace survive for the long term.  Is it's viability more limited than that?  What options are there, if any?
   This looks favorable right now.  Another congregation is exploring sharing the building with us, and contributing to the cause.  This may result in the congregation being viable again.
4. What tools are necessary at this time if I go back into business?
   I've purchased a dovetail jig.  A planer is also necessary.  Pretty much everything else can wait.
5. How much of an investment is appropriate given a limited amount of years left to work?
   This is less clear.  I guess the answer is 'as much as is necessary to sustain the income as long as I need it.
6. Will my health hold up?
   I hope so.  But I'm getting older.
7. The pain in my shoulder. . .is it bursitis, or bone spurs, or. . .?  Will it require surgery?  Can I continue long term with the repetitive motions associated with woodworking?
   This hasn't made it to the top of the list with my family doctor.  I'm hoping it's bursitis and will improve once I'm no longer doing as much highly repetitive work on a day to day basis.  (Though there will still be some.)
8. And what about my knees?  Their soreness is not helped by hours on end on concrete.
   I'll live with them for a while.
9. And then there is the small matter of my heart.  X-rays showed slight enlargement.  I've experienced some shortness of breath.  Big issue?  Small matter?  Time will tell.
   My heart tested just fine.  That was a great relief.
   
   What has emerged though is an umbilical and ventral hernia.  Yup, two.  That's an easy surgery and recovery.  Will take care of it.
10. And finally, there's the question of desire.  What would make me, and Karla, happy and satisfied in the coming months and years?
    This is the easiest question.  Living the dream in Sandpoint, being self employed, and enjoying ministry.  Sleeping well.  And enjoying family time again.

I think these decisions and answers pass the smell test.  None of my family are contemplating hauling me into my doctor.  Though I see her on Wednesday.

The bottom line is I'm excited to finish off my working career this way.  In that working in my own shop is what I envisioned for retirement, doing so for a profit is not a bad way to transition into retirement.  

And I can't tell you how wonderful it is to feel excited.  Yeah baby.  Life is good.

Decisions

One of the things I've not heard anyone talk about is that while in a manic phase one is much more decisive than at other times.  Depression errs on the side of immobilization.  For me, mania results in a capacity to decide in a rapid fire manner.  Bang, bang, bang, done.

I could use some of that mania now.

There's a lot of  uncertainty at this time.  A lot of decisions looming.  "Make a list!" Karla says.  "Check off one after another until your done."

A list.

1. Do I go back to work in my own business, Olsons Woodworks?  
2. If so, should I build a shop?
3. What does the future hold for me regarding ministry?  Will Peace survive for the long term.  Is it's viability more limited than that?  What options are there, if any?
4. What tools are necessary at this time if I go back into business?
5. How much of an investment is appropriate given a limited amount of years left to work?
6. Will my health hold up?
7. The pain in my shoulder. . .is it bursitis, or bone spurs, or. . .?  Will it require surgery?  Can I continue long term with the repetitive motions associated with woodworking?
8. And what about my knees?  Their soreness is not helped by hours on end on concrete.
9. And then there is the small matter of my heart.  X-rays showed slight enlargement.  I've experienced some shortness of breath.  Big issue?  Small matter?  Time will tell.
10. And finally, there's the question of desire.  What would make me, and Karla, happy and satisfied in the coming months and years?

Now, if I was in a manic phase I could rattle off decisions fast enough to make your head spin.  This list?  Well except for those  matters waiting for another could all be resolved in about 10 minutes.  

Bottom line.  I currently don't feel well and am not happy with my life.  It doesn't feel like depression.  It feels like circumstances are not what I'd like them to be.  There's a difference.  

I'm tired of setting the alarm for 3:30 each morning.

I'm tired of going to bed at 7:00 pm each evening.

I'd like to be more of a companion for my wife.

I'd like for my woodworking to be more fulfilling.

I'd like to feel healthier.

OK, you get the picture.  

The key to happiness is to identify your passion and follow it.  In relationships.  In work.  In one's leisure time activities.  

That's a better list.  I'll work on it.

No Justification. Not even the economy.

160 years ago slavery, and the overt racism behind it, was justified on the basis of the economy.  And violence against those who would change it was justified.  The Bible was used to justify it. 

Not much has changed.  We have a president who, while claiming he is not racist, lambasts the country with one racist thing after another.  David Duke and other white supremacists see this.  They love it.  People who are Muslim, or Hispanic, or Black feel this.  Crowds at political rallies chant "Send them back!".  Racist.  By the way, sending  minorities back to their country of origin is a central theme of the Aryan Nations.  White, Christian, Nationalism is just a contemporary manifestation of the basic tenets of the white supremacist agenda.  The Church of Jesus Christ Christian is what the Aryan Nations under Richard Butler belonged to.  As a country we should abhor all this, reject it, and work to overcome it.  Racism has no place in a free society.  Racism is sinful.  White Christian Nationalism, if it is not checked, may well destroy both the Church and the Nation.  It is that contrary to both democracy and freedom, as well as the message of Jesus Christ. 

But the economy is good.

The economy was good for slave owners in the South.  It did not justify slavery.  Hitler's rise to power in Germany was closely associated with economic recovery from the Great Depression and the consequences of the Treaty of Versailles.  Bottom line was that Hitler was 'good for the economy'.  That hardly justified the Holocaust. 

Two things are reprehensible about the current state of affairs.  That otherwise good people will continue to support Trump, in spite of his racists attacks, is one of them.  That otherwise good people will oppose any effort to control access to guns as a means of responding to the myriad of mass shootings in our country is another.  And in the most recent shooting in El Paso the two issues are married together. 

But the economy is good.  And we like to collect guns.  So to hell with the loss of life.  We're content to send our "thoughts and prayers".  I can't help but believe that God despises our 'thoughts and prayers'. 

But the economy is good.

Except if you're a farmer or any other of the people affected by Trump's trade wars.

But we don't much care about other people's economic plight.  The economy wasn't good for the slaves in the South.  Just the plantation owners. 

There is no moral justification for racism.  There is no moral justification for callused indifference to the loss of human life.  There is no moral justification for caring more for the economy than the lives and well being of human beings.  No Justification.  None.

I struggle with how to respond.  I live in North Idaho.  Trump is popular here.   Racism is common place.  Guns are BIG.  I tend to politely, quietly, often silently, disagree.  And in doing so I'm part of the problem. 

I have to work with these people, whether in the cabinet shop or when I reopen my own business.  And I hesitate to address the issue head on in my preaching or teaching at church, lest the offerings tank. 

But economic considerations are no justification for doing nothing. 

I can become politically active.  The struggle is that in Idaho, my voice is drowned out by the vast majority in this redder than red state.  My vote counts not at all, except as a protest.  And there is a reason white supremacists have chosen to settle here: racism is widely accepted in this predominantly white society. 

But at least the economy is good. 

Follow your passion, cautiously!

In my psychiatrist's office there is a sign which says "Dream Big, Act Bigger".  We laughed about it as I commented that such advice is not appropriate for a  manic person. One of the most irritating aspects of being bipolar is the lack of confidence one can have in one's own sense of judgment about major life decisions.  It's just so easy to get caught by manic thinking patterns and lose touch with a more reasoned take on life.

I'm tired.  My job at the cabinet shop is wearing on me from two standpoints.  Yes, on the one hand I'm able to help build some rather impressive kitchens in huge homes for famous people (Michael Jordan e.g.)  But a lot of time I'm doing things like making the sticks that fill in the space between one cabinet and the other.  I'm the "Filler King".  It's hard to get passionate about such work.

And second, working ten hour days together with the commute just is grueling.  I'd like to be able to sleep beyond 3 in the morning.  (On a positive note, I'm actually sleeping better these days.)  The reality is that working sixty hours a week between the cabinet shop and the church, plus commuting 12 hours a week, leaves little time for anything else.  And I'm tired.

My mind just keeps going back to this dining set.  It epitomizes the kind of work I have done and am capable of doing.  I want to do that.  I want to feel good about my vocation. 

Together Karla and I are settling in with this decision to return to Olson's Woodworks.  We will proceed cautiously.  Having said that though, there will be a moment when we will need to simply be "all in" on the decision.  I simply can't gradually take on more work in my own shop, while still working at the other.  I don't have enough time in a week.

So the jump will happen.  I will be taking some withdrawals from my pensions account, Karla will sign up for her Social Security, and that will provide a safety net for us.  If the business thrives, no more pensions withdrawals will be necessary.  If it doesn't, we'll have enough to survive.

What do I need?  What purchases must I make to succeed?  And are those purchases really necessary or the fodder of manic thinking?  Having a truck for hauling materials would be handy.  But damn, they are expensive.  (My kids have offered use of theirs, so we'll probably hold off  on this one.)  There are a few woodworking tools that I need.  A thickness planer.  A chop saw.  But any such considerations will always be weighed against my manic pursuit of the CNC last time. 

Again, the lack of confidence in one's own judgment is one of the worst things about being bipolar.  We will see how things play out.

On another matter, my health is gradually improving.  Diagnosed over a month ago now with hypothyroidism I'm on the slow road to recovery.  I takes months for the medication to build up in the system to therapeutic levels, but I've noticed some improvement.  At the very least, I'm able to work a full week these days.  Thank God for simple improvements like that. 

My biggest question is how well will I feel with the new normal.  I look at the energy level of other sixty year olds and I hope.  "I'm far too young to feel so damn old." is my new mantra.  I hope things will get much better. 

Mach es gut!

As I contemplate my vocation, I'm increasingly aware that I'm currently writing the final chapters of my life's work.  I'm already somewhat resigned to the fact that the most challenging and engaging chapters of my ministry are now behind me.  My serving at the little Peace Lutheran in Otis Orchards may still give isolated opportunities for very important ministry, but those opportunities are limited greatly by the size.  I'm at peace/Peace with that.  (pun intended)

My current struggles involve my work as a cabinet maker.  I made a choice a few years back to cease operating my own business in favor of working in a cabinet shop.  At issue was a dependable weekly  source of income.  What I gave up was the craftsmanship associated with building fine pieces of furniture.  My primary responsibilities at the cabinet shop involve making the miscellaneous pieces that join the cabinets together, as well as other things such as closet shelving, etc.

What I'm struggling with is concluding my life's work with the achievement of having become very good at making closet shelves. . .  "Tables, chairs, and oaken chests would have suited (David) best".

One of the things that has changed since my last attempt at a business is that I'm now to the point that I can begin taking some withdrawals from my pensions, if needed.  That, together with Karla taking her social security early would pay our basic living expenses and the income from my business would be extra.  Well, actually, sufficient income from the business would make it unnecessary to take withdrawals from pensions.

I'm also concerned about my health.  Recent thyroid problems have accentuated the fact that my work load is taking a toll.  Getting up at 3 am, leaving the house at 4:45, returning at 5 pm, eating and going to bed at 7 pm is just a grind.

Another issue is my marriage.  We joke about how I go to bed and Karla goes visiting.  It's either that  or she spends every evening alone.  Every evening.  We have dinner together.  But there is precious little time together beyond that.  

Mach es gut!  Make it good!

The bottom line is that health issues have made it clear to me that I'm nearing the end of my career.  A few more years left.  The choices I make now will write the final chapter in my working career.  And the more I contemplate that simple fact, the clearer that I am that making closet shelves is simply not the last thing I want to do with my life.  

Mach es gut.  I am responsible for my own happiness.  Mach es gut.