Resilience and the art of bouncing back

"You certainly have resilience cornered. . ."

These are the words of a Facebook friend, familiar with my blogs, and I appreciate them.  My response was that if you get knocked on your butt often enough you either die or learn to bounce back.  The latter is preferable. 

This is not the first time I've been associated with that word/concept.  One of my friends once said "You win the 'landing on your feet' award for this year."  My bishop once remarked "Your resilience continues to amaze me."

OK, well, so enough already.  Resilience is not a trait that I'd encourage people to cultivate, simply because it involves getting up after being knocked down, and I'd spare you that.  But the truth is life will not always spare us the hard knocks.  And I guess, getting up again is a good thing.  But being knocked on your butt is not.

Twenty years ago I wrote this prayer.  It continues to speak to me.

Hold me tight, most precious Lord,

That I might follow you.

Grant me grace to live each day,

May I be born anew.

Lift me up whenever I fall,

And never let me fade

From the grace filled light

Of your own sight

That turns the night to day.

Part of this resilience thing goes hand in hand with being bipolar.  That cycle of mania and depression, over and over again, has the look and feel of resilience.  C'est la vie.

Been a little depressed lately.  Nothing overwhelming.  Just down.  

I've found myself looking forward to retirement.  One of the things I look forward to is being on a 'fixed income'.  For many people, 'fixed income' is viewed as a negative.  I  look forward to the day that I can count on that income, month after month.  It will ease a lot of pressure.

I realize now that there are two things I really don't like about ministry.  First, I don't like the feeling that there can be a direct link between the nuances of my preaching and the level of the offerings.  People vote with their checkbooks too much, I think.  I'm not sure if this is fact.  But at times it feels like it.  Offerings are down and I wonder 'what did I say?'  

The second thing I don't like is having to censor myself regarding issues that are extremely important to me.  I'm tired of it.  "Your not in favor of homosexuality, are you?"  OK, so I didn't anticipate how significant this would be throughout the thirty years of my ministry.  But these are the times we are living in.  OK, so take a deep breath, Dave, and let it out slowly.  LGBTQ does not refer to an issue that we are in favor of or opposed to, but rather to people that we are called to love unconditionally, as Jesus first loved us.  We all stand before God utterly dependent on grace, so just get over it already.  Just get over it.

I'll say it again.  This is not an issue we're fighting about, but people we are to love and care for.  

Enough, already.  I'll get ready for church now.  I'm preaching on "Simon, do you love me?"  

The one thing I do not look forward to in retirement, whenever that comes, is not preaching.  I love to preach.  

Easter and The Sufferings of this Present Time

1:30 AM, a silent stillness engulfs the world. 

It's transitioned from Holy Saturday to Easter Sunday.  Jesus would be finishing up his mission to Hades, where he preached the Gospel to those who were captive among the dead, there.  "The Harrowing of Hell" is what it has been called.  Not talked about much though it is in our Apostles' Creed.  The basic belief is that Christ, in between the time he died on the cross and was raised from the dead, descended to the place of the dead and shared the Good News with them.  Always an opportunity for Grace.

Meanwhile, on this side of death we await Easter morning.

Romans 8, a great Easter text, is speaking to me this morning:

18 I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the children of God; 20 for the creation was subjected to futility, not of its own will but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and will obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning in labor pains until now; 23 and not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly while we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies.

 The sufferings of this present time.  It is the nature of suffering that though it is always somewhat transient, it seems in the moment to be almost eternal.  "Groaning in labor pains. . ."  What a perfect image of suffering.  Four times Karla went through labor.  From the first braxton hicks contractions through the final push it was always, an extended time.  In that moment, the suffering seemed as though it would never stop.  In hindsight, while compared with the life we've shared since then with our children, the suffering is rightfully seen as just a momentary affliction. 

I've been away from this blog.  I gave up writing this particular blog as I was busy with my Lenten preparations and needed the time to write my second sermon, each week. 

But there has been another factor in play.  I am well.  Well except for the fact that it is 1:30 in the morning and I'm up and at it writing.  Aside from that. . .

 we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly while we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies.

Easter.  Its about the redemption of our bodies.  The healing of our souls.  And not only us, but the whole creation.  Earth's own scars will heal.  I write those words and imagine the Berkeley Pit in Butte.  Healed.

There is no lack of images portraying the suffering and death of Christ.  His glorious resurrection and the redeemed body of the Risen Lord have escaped our imagination and representation. 

We've seen death and know its appearance.

We have not seen resurrection.

Perhaps that is what makes hope so difficult for those who suffer.  The sufferings of the present time are so real.  We understand that experience, as horrific as can be.  And yet while we dwell within our suffering, we have no concept of what resurrection and healing truly means because we have not yet experienced that.

Yet the early light creeps up over the horizon this Easter morning.  We are tickled by hope. 

I am aware that my life has likely entered the third trimester. The burdens will continue to increase as the time grows nearer.  But what is yet to come?  What does birth hold for us.  What will the redemption of our bodies look like?

 I write these words from the very spot my father died.  I have a sense he didn't look back. 

Grief or Hope.  That seems to be the only two possibilities with which to mark the passing of each day of our lives.  Grief reigns if we are consumed with a sense of the finality of death, and life's end.  Hope reigns when we believe the best is yet to come. 

And so I declare, this early morning before the light dissipates the darkness:

Christ is Risen!

He is Risen, Indeed!

Alleluia! 

Yes, Bishop, I'm a prime example.

My Bishop recently wrote an article about self care, specifically taking time off. I'm a prime example. Clergy don't do a good job of this, often tending to others and neglecting themselves.  And for some of us, it's even more complicated.

I'm up this morning too early.  I woke up a few times, and finally got up at about 1:15.  I look for reasons for this.  Taking pseudoephedrine.  I've been battling a cold, or allergies, and have taken pseudoephedrine.  That is enough to do it.  I am also a Seahawks fan and was following the Russell Wilson contract situation.  They reached an agreement late last night.  I found myself checking on the progress every time I woke up.  And part of it is just plain insomnia that continues to plague me.  Self care and taking time off.  Just sleeping would be a good start.

I was bad at this when I was full time in the ministry.  When I went on disability I had accumulated a full three months of unused vacation time.  Much of this accrued during the building of Luther Park.  I just didn't take time off.

My lesson?  Eventually you will.  If being disabled and off work for a couple of years is what you want, just keep up with that schedule.  It caught up with me.

My life now has not made it any easier.  I work a forty hour week at the cabinet shop, and then add twenty hours at church.  Add to that the twelve hours a week I spend commuting And there is not a lot of time for self care.  I need to use my vacation at church, but that puts a burden on them that I tend to avoid.  But mainly, I only get a week off per year from the cabinet shop.  That restricts me.  For my coworkers, this is not so bad as they work four tens, and have a three day weekend.  Not me.  I am able to take Friday afternoons and Saturdays off, and I do so religiously. 

I fear that there is not an easy solution for the next few years until retirement.  So yes, Bishop Kristen, I hear you.  I just don't see an easy solution.

Otherwise, I'm doing well.  Overworked, but well.

One Thing leads to another.

It's been nearly six and a half years since I had my last drink.

It's been over six months since I've had my last cigarette.

Now it's time to start thinking about what I will do, not what I won't.

Doctors have been nagging at me.  They have this crazy notion that I should exercise.  One of my responses has been to be amused that I, who am engaged in a physically active job 40 hours a week, am being told by someone that works in an office setting, that I need more physical activity.

It's all about the heart, though.  They want to see me get involved in cardio workouts.

Exercise has been a challenge for me as I have grown older.  I inherited my Father's heart, and my Mother's knees.  I've already had knee surgery.  Replacements, I'm told, are in my future but not yet.  I've had my mitral valve repaired.  

In years gone by I walked.  I mean really walked.  Sometimes for hours at night as it was my therapy.  I would walk until I was tired enough to sleep.  Mile after mile.  Hour after hour.  Then the knees gave out.  Walking became more limited.  Then I began work at the cabinet shop.  On my feet on concrete floors 10 hours a day.  The couch looked better.  

Alas, there are few cardio workouts to be had on the couch.

And I'm gaining weight.  230 pounds for a man that's 6' 4" is not gross obesity by any means, but I now feel my belly when I bend over.  It has become a bit of an obstruction.  A major contributing factor is that I've quit smoking.  My doctor tells me that I'd have to put on a hundred pounds to counteract the positive gains of quitting smoking.  So up next on my agenda is exercise.

Walking is a challenge anymore due to my knees.  The uneven surfaces leave my knees just aching for days after a walk of any length.  The thought of taking a hike causes me to wince.  

So I've been researching the best cardio workouts that are low impact and non-weight bearing.  If I could stand swimming, that'd be ideal.  I don't have the time to go to the pool on a regular basis.  And I hate swimming.  Neither bodes well for success.

My research has led me to this.

This is a "Inspire CS3 Cardio Strider".  Basically a recumbent elliptical machine.  It's ideal for aging folks with bad joints.  I'm saving up my pennies.

I have numerous reactions to this.  First of all, I'm humored that the fitness equipment that's suitable for me is found in rehab facilities more than gyms.  I'm not 32 anymore.  Secondly, it's funny how I react to the cost.  Do I want to spend a couple grand on something like this????  Note:  I spent considerably more than that each year on Scotch, and also even more on smoking.  Why is it that we can justify our vices more than our attempts to improve ourselves?

A big issue of course is whether I can be disciplined about using it.  

In my parents I have two role models.  My mother could never stick to an exercise routine.  Occasionally she walked with Dad, but that didn't last long.  My Dad, however, was compulsive about his walks.  Every afternoon before supper he'd head out.  I remember standing outside the senior housing complex where he lived talking with the chaplain.  Dad walked by.  "We can set our clocks by his schedule." she remarked. 

I think my wife is sceptical about my 'sticktoitiveness", (yes that's a word). I stuck to smoking for quite a while (44 years to be exact) and drinking (long enough to become a problem), and therapy (long enough that I've nothing more to talk about) and a few other things as well.  I'm optimistic.

There are other things I'd rather have.  I thought about buying a new set of golf clubs with some of my inheritance, as that's something Dad and I enjoyed together.  But I won't have a lot of time to golf until retirement.  But man there are some golf clubs out there that are sweet.  And sometime soon we'll be in the market for new living room furniture.  So I could cater to my couch potato side by buying a new couch. . .

Bottom line, I'm hoping to take some steps (literally) that will enable me to age well.  I hope to live a long and ACTIVE life.  But first comes taxes.  Got to pay the taxes.  And do some maintenance on the house.  Then the exercise equipment.  Patience.

Haiku Potpourri

Night

Silent cat returns

stalking the old weary soul

Dark melancholy.

Shackled

"Think big.  Dream bigger."

Unless you are bipolar.

Moderation sucks.

Light

A burden lifted

That long ago had gripped me.

Illumination.

Bequest

A father's blessing,

Brother's generosity,

Gift of grace and love.

Fight

Clouds pass, hiding hope,

As a new foe takes the stage.

Yet the sun shines through.

Longing

Silently they sit.

The words so often spoken.

Do you still hear me?

Faith

With the passing years

Questions go unanswered now.

Mystery remains.

Love

An intimate warmth

lying close at my left side.

Life's companion still.

The Jesus I don't like

In all of the Gospels, there are two passages that really make  me feel  uncomfortable.

From Matthew 5:  All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats, 33 and he will put the sheep at his right hand and the goats at the left.  
Then he will say to those at his left hand, 'You that are accursed, depart from me into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels; 42 for I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not give me clothing, sick and in prison and you did not visit me. ' 44 Then they also will answer, 'Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not take care of you? ' 45 Then he will answer them, 'Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me. ' 46 And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."

And from Luke 6:  20 Then he looked up at his disciples and said:
"Blessed are you who are poor,
for yours is the kingdom of God.
21 "Blessed are you who are hungry now,
for you will be filled.
"Blessed are you who weep now,
for you will laugh.
22 "Blessed are you when people hate you, and when they exclude you, revile you, and defame you on account of the Son of Man. 23 Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, for surely your reward is great in heaven; for that is what their ancestors did to the prophets.

24 "But woe to you who are rich,
for you have received your consolation.
25 "Woe to you who are full now,
for you will be hungry.
"Woe to you who are laughing now,
for you will mourn and weep.
26 "Woe to you when all speak well of you, for that is what their ancestors did to the false prophets.

Yeah, those two.

I don't like that Jesus.

What doesn't Jesus say in these two passages?

• He doesn't say poor "in spirit", or any other such modifiers that'd let us off the hook.
• He doesn't say "unless doing so would violate your political convictions".
• He doesn't say "unless doing so would perpetuate the cycle of poverty and dependence".
• And he doesn't say (this is a biggy), "but I will forgive you, so don't worry about it".

What is my response?  

Well, the first response is to turn the page to more appealing passages in the scriptures.  Skip over that passage.  Problem is then you get to other sayings such as:  "Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.  "Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap; for the measure you give will be the measure you get back."

The second response is to try and avoid personal responsibility by claiming a collective righteousness.  I may not do anything to help the poor, the hungry, the naked or the stranger, but my Church and Nation do.  

Another such response is to simply declare that "Jesus didn't actually say that."

There are many such responses.

In the end though, doesn't it boil down to this?  If Jesus is  Lord we ought to pay attention to what he says.  

I remember once what a Bible Camp director said.  During staff training he would begin by asking the counselors what was the most important thing they would do that summer.  Typical responses from all the first time counselors centered around "sharing the love of Jesus with the campers".  "NO!" was his response.  "Keep them safe!  You can't tell a dead camper anything about Jesus."

Why are we to feed the hungry, cloth the naked, offer a drink to the thirsty, etc.?  Because you can't show the love of Jesus to a dead person.  Sure they may be drug addicts, or illegal immigrants, or any other outcast.  But if they are dead, their lot in life has no chance of improving.

Actually, it will.  Isn't that what the Luke passage says.  The poor will inherit the Kingdom of God, the hungry will be filled, etc.

Bottom line.  Jesus cares about these things.  He is concerned about the powerless.  And, he has expectations for those of us who have means.  We are to be concerned with those who do not.  And its not only Jesus, but it was part of the Law in the Jewish Scriptures as well.

The Gospel is a comfort to the afflicted and an affliction to the comfortable.  

But I'd like to think of these passages not as condemnation, but as a calling.  "From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded."

How might we who have been so blessed respond faithfully to Jesus?  And how might our hearts reflect the love of God?

Biodiversity, Conformity, and the Church

If there is anything we can learn about God from creation, it is that the Creator had incredible imagination and loved diversity.  The world is filled with mind boggling complexity, millions of different expressions of the Creator's concept of life, and an ever changing and evolving universe.  Sometimes we contribute to the diversity of creation.  Think of the many different breeds of dogs that we have developed.  But we've also been prone to do things like settle in on one variety of wheat, of corn, etc., and global conformity.  We are starting to learn our lessons about the pitfalls of this, but slowly.

And then there are humans and our limited capacity to deal with diversity.  Bananas.  1,000 different varieties of bananas and we prefer to have only one, the Cavendish, available in our stores.  Why?  I suppose its because we simply want to know what to expect.  There are all sorts of examples of this tendency of humans.  We gravitate towards McDonalds, not local diners with a varied menu.  "Bud Light, for the many not the few."  Cultural norms and expectations limit the scope of our uniqueness.  We like to know what to expect and so we push conformity.  As humans interact, rather than increasing in our biodiversity we tend to allow a dominant culture to emerge and to overwhelm the various regional, ethnic, and cultural differences.  The American experiment is especially telling.  With immigrants from every continent we pushed an anglicized uniformity.  Speak English.  Melt into one.  Do the American thing. And then watch as "Westernization transforms cultures throughout the world."  Chinese people wearing blue jeans.  And Starbucks is opening 3,000 new stores there.

And then there is the church.  One, holy, catholic, and apostolic church.  Doctrinal conformity.  Inculturation.  Should the church be transformed by the variety of cultures in which it is present or should the church transform those cultures toward a unified expression?  We haven't done so well with cultural diversity.  And when diversity divided the church we saw that as a curse, not a blessing.  The single largest question in this regard is whether it was God's will that humans express their religious inclination in a uniform way, or whether God intended from the beginning for our spiritual lives to be a diverse as our physical and mental tendencies.

How do we deal with anomalies?  You know, those deviations from the norm.  "Deviant" is a negative word.  I'm bipolar.  What that means is that my capacity for mood swings from highs to lows exceeds the norm.  My highs are higher.  My lows are lower.  My medication is designed to eliminate that and achieve a culturally acceptable middle ground.  Are variations from the norm a disease or God's diversity coming into play?  Good question.

Sexuallity.  How often have we tried to force a spectrum of expressions into a culturally defined and rigidly maintained duality.  Its just not quite as simple as "male and female he created them".  Ironic that the Creation story that details the vast diversity of God's creation is used to force a compliance with cultural norms and a condemnation of deviation from those norms.  Again, "deviant sexual behavior" is used to condemn.  This in spite of the fact that we, as humans, exhibit "diverse sexual expressions".  We struggle to understand.  "LGBTQ" is an evolving expression.  We're not even always sure what those letters stand for, or how many variants are present within them.

I'm not into 'anything goes'.  Child abuse, whether physically, sexually, or mentally is always immoral and should be severely punished in my mind.  But what is abusive, and what is nurturing?  By the way, I'm not much into abusing adults either. . .

It's all so mind boggling.  Hence we tend to settle in on normative behaviors and discourage variations from the norms.  And God is used to enforce those norms.

I love my church, but I deeply regret its lack of diversity.  We are the whitest denomination in the United States.  We set a goal to become a church with a minimum of 10% people of color or whose primary language is other than English.  That was 1988.  The only significant change in color of our church since then has been the greying of our hair.  Fact is that we are not the church catholic.  We can only become an inclusive, diverse, church through ecumenical work.  And an ecumenism that celebrates diversity, not one that seeks uniformity.

I am convinced that there is a reason God created platypuses.  Perhaps just for the shear delight in it.  And not every bird should be a bald eagle, as majestic as that bird is.  And the thought that one day, through generations of interracial marriage we will emerge as a unified race is appalling to me.  What I hope for is an appreciation of diversity.  Deviation from the norm is the norm, by the way.  And God said it all is good.