Humility, Gratitude, and the Depth of Love

One of the thing I remember about growing up was the care packages we received from our extended family.  In particular, I remember one package that contained some pants for me.  My aunt and uncle, recognizing that our pastor's family often struggled to get by on the salary our church provided, had sent a box of hand-me-down clothes.  Only one problem, my cousin David was short and stocky, I was tall and skinny.  The pants I received were the correct length, but required a substantial, and I mean substantial, tuck to be taken in the waste line for me to wear.  The fit was such that my friends initially thought I had the first bell bottom pants in the school.  All that aside, our need was real, and the graciousness of the Michaelson's to recognize that need and offer their assistance was generous, and, underlying it was a depth of love.

Fast forward half a century.

Dammit, I'd like to be entirely self sufficient.  Pride can itself be a debilitating thing.  The truth is that all that has happened with my disability, with the change in my employment status, with medical bills, with coping with the challenges of life itself has left me in the position of either needing to recognize the need for help, and accept what help is available-- or to sink.

It's one thing to preach about Jesus Christ as being the Savior of the world.  It's quite another to admit I need a savior.

I'd rather be the savior.  This is particularly true of my manic side.  I've had some opportunities over the years to be the savior.  For example, when my daughter faced the challenge of student teaching.  Substantial tuition, little financial aid, a requirement that she not work outside of student teaching, oh, and a car that went belly up in the midst of it all left her needing some help.  "Daddy finance" came into play.  The total of those expenses tallied up to more than my gross income for that period, but I found a way.  I know it was hard for her to admit she needed help, and she was deeply grateful for the help that came.  There was another dimension of it, and that was the opportunity it gave me to act in love.

Ministry also offered me the opportunity to 'save' people from time to time.  Intervening in situations of spousal abuse, channeling donations to those in need, helping people negotiate the difficult decisions of life and death-- and many more examples.  It feels good to be the savior.

It's quite another thing to admit one needs a savior.

The last five and a half years have been humbling in that regard.  And I'm deeply grateful for the assistance that has been offered to me and my family.  But most of all, I'm overwhelmed by the depth of love that has been shown to us, through this whole set of circumstances.

The last night my father was alive we had a wonderful conversation.  At the end of it, as we each expressed our desire to have many more conversations like this, I apologized.  My work schedule had severely limited the amount of time I had to spend with dad, even though he lived with us.  "But," I told him, "at least its keeping the bills paid."  His response, and the last words he spoke to me, was "Well, my hope is that my being here will take some of the burden off you."  One of the beautiful things about Dad coming to live with us was that we could help him, and he was able to help us.

When I first entered the ministry, and was at Thompson Falls, the congregation was unable to meet expenses and pay my salary.  Recognizing our predicament, Mom and Dad joined our congregation even though it meant driving 75 miles to attend church, and became the largest contributors.  Dad was overjoyed that I had become a pastor but also was deeply aware, because of his own experience, of the financial challenges we would face.  Both he and mom tried to help as they could.

As I faced disability, unemployment, and all that went with it, he was concerned.  Dad realized that our financial challenges were far greater than those of my other siblings.  Each of them, and their spouses, had done well in professions that paid much more than pastoral ministry.  Dad was concerned for us.

What I found out this last week was that Dad asked one of my siblings to make sure that we'd be alright after he was gone.  I was emotionally overwhelmed when I found out about that.  Tears come to my eyes as I write this.

This would be 'touching' in many circumstances.  When the reality is that we have indeed needed help, and need help, it is moving to the depth of my soul.  I am grateful.  I feel loved and cared for.

I don't know where we'd be if it weren't for such love and care.  It has come to us from a variety of people in a variety of ways.  Even when we couldn't meet the challenges that presented themselves, others have stepped up to help.  Humility.  Gratitude. And allowing people to show their love in concrete ways.

To be on the receiving end of loving care is a blessed thing.  It is to experience grace.

I wouldn't understand or appreciate God's grace nearly as much without these experiences of grace shown to me.  When everything is going wonderfully well, we don't need grace.  We can make it on our own.  At the risk of overstating my case, it seems to me that unless we experience the need for grace, we will never appreciate the gift of grace.

Today, I am grateful.  For grace.  For love.  And for the people God has surrounded us with.

Disability, Justice, and Prudence

Dealing with being mentally ill, and dealing with the mentally ill, is difficult.  There are no easy answers.  Life is filled with compromises.  And its hard to know exactly what is the appropriate response.

Disability.  I was fortunate to be covered under a good disability plan when I hit my crisis point.  I ended up receiving benefits for approximately two years, which gave me a window of opportunity to devote myself entirely to the healing process.  The only major complaint I had regarding that plan and the way it was administered was with respect to the way they terminated the benefits, basically without notice and retroactive.  I received my monthly payment, and then ten days later received notice that I would receive no more.  Little opportunity to make changes.  But we survived.

One of the questions I struggle with is the degree to which being bipolar remains a disabling condition.  Does the 'potential' of manic or depressed episodes constitute an impediment for employment?  One of the struggles with dealing with the disability plan is they loved to ask the question "How are you doing right now?"  Well, even while actively cycling between mania and depression, there can be a lot of time that one is within the normal spectrum of moods.  Employers, though, are not content with someone who is able to function normally MOST of the time.  

Risk.  And triggers.  My biggest concern about returning to the workforce had to do with the possibility that the stress of work might trigger a manic phase.  Two of the potential symptoms identified with mania are

• Increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school; or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
• Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)

There's that word.  Sex.  Sexual misconduct is the cardinal sin of being a pastor.  And there is the potential for it in a manic episode.  I became convinced that as I was being evaluated for return to the active ministry that my health care team was intentionally not making a recommendation lest they incur liability in the event of a manic episode involving some sort of misconduct.  And I genuinely wondered if it was wise or prudent for the Church to allow someone who is bipolar to be a pastor given the fact that manic episodes may involve sexual indiscretions.  Fair question.

But is it just?  People who own guns are more likely to shoot someone than people who do not have a gun.  But would we deny employment to a person solely on the basis that they possess a gun and hence the ability to shoot someone?  (I think about this in part because there are numerous individuals who bring their firearms to work everyday at the cabinet shop where I'm employed.)  The answer is that we rarely discriminate against someone purely on the basis of the potential for a particular behavior.

I posed the question to the former assistant to the Bishop of our synod who handles candidacy, and his response was straight forward.  "Would you approve a bipolar person for candidacy?"  "I would simply ask 'Are you under a doctor's care?', and if you are, there is no problem."

But there remains the question of prudence.  It is probably good to be somewhat cautious.  But when does caution give way to prejudice and injustice.  Given the choice of two candidates, similarly qualified, would a congregation show a prejudice against the candidate who is bipolar?  In many cases, yes.  That's reality.

And yet a certain degree of caution is in order.  One of the thoughts I have had regarding my future in the ordained ministry is that I should seek out an opportunity to serve as part of a team, under the direction of the lead pastor.  This would allow me to serve as I am able, but have the safety net of the ongoing direction of the lead pastor that would tend to preclude my heading in an unhealthy direction because of my disease.  Not a lot of opportunity for that within our synod, but its a thought.

I am deeply grateful for the small congregation I do serve at the current time.  There are questions regarding how long this relationship is viable, but they have to do with the congregation's situation not my own.  This congregation has a history of supporting a pastor through significant personal and familial issues.  They welcomed me with the words "Your health is not a matter of our concern."  I count my blessings.  

As I struggle with these issues, and in the name of mental health awareness, let me make three important observations:

1. A mental health diagnosis may be disabling, but often is not.  People who are mentally ill and significantly impaired in their ability to function should qualify for disability benefits.  People who are mentally ill but still able to function should not be disqualified for employment.  Too often, I fear, mentally ill people are considered just functional enough to not qualify for disability benefits, but not functional enough to qualify for employment.  
2. It is just to discriminate on the basis of actual behaviors.  But, especially for one who is in treatment, discriminating against a mentally ill person on the basis of potential behaviors, symptoms that are under control through treatment, is unjust.  
3. Caution and awareness is the safety net for both the mentally ill person and the employer.  As I've said many times, if I propose something with a price tag of over a million dollars, ask questions.  That's reasonable.

I am not what uninformed people think.  I'll admit my own past prejudice here.  Ignorance of mental health issues often results in judgments being made that are not fair.  I've made those judgments.  You likely have too.  And then I had to confront the reality of who I am as a bipolar person.  That's different than a prejudiced imagination.  

My deepest wish is that we might proceed to the point as a society that a mentally ill person would only have to deal with the diagnosis and treatment of the disease, and not with a social stigma attached to that disease.  Life is difficult enough as it is, let's not add insult to injury.

Health Insurance, again!

I'm officially enrolled now, with benefits beginning tomorrow.  After losing my disability benefits last year at this time I also lost the health benefits associated with them.  We were forced by circumstances to go onto my wife's employer's health benefit plan, which had no mental health benefits.  Needless to say, it was a bit of a worry for someone who has an active mental health diagnosis to be without mental health coverage.  That changes tomorrow.

I received a call to serve half time as a "transitional minister" at Peace Lutheran in Otis Orchards, and my package does include participation once again in the Church's insurance program.  Quite a relief.

There will be a few hassles.  For example, today I began the process of getting my meds cleared for coverage.  I will have to get pre-authorization for them, and my physicians will have to go through the step procedure protocol, explaining to them that I've already been on all the cheaper meds and they didn't work.  Hopefully this will all sort out in short order.  But the good news is I do have coverage once again.

We are particularly grateful for the timing of all this.  After quite a few years with her employer, a change in management and concerns regarding her own health led Karla to the tough decision of having to resign her position.  The health benefits we were receiving terminated Sept 30.  There will be no gap in coverage, as my benefits resume Oct. 1.  There are times in life that I'm overwhelmed with the conviction that God is taking care of us.

And then there are also moments when I'm filled with a certain fiendish delight.  Having had my disability benefits terminated in an abrupt and disconcerting fashion there is part of me that feels a bit like "I'll show you, I'll take a call, and then you'll have to cover me again!"  Yup.  Now they can pay for the meds, and psychiatric bills, etc., etc., that they stopped paying for when they terminated my benefits.  "Hello!, Remember Me!  I'm back."

Those moments are short lived.  

Mostly, I'm just grateful for health, and insurance to pay for maintaining that health.  Were it not for insurance I wouldn't be able to afford the meds, and who knows what would take place.  I think of the homeless and recognize that many of the homeless are homeless because they are mentally ill, and not able to receive proper treatment.  Could a similar fate have befallen me were I not so fortunate to have been covered by insurance throughout this journey????  I have a family I could have leaned on, but would I have?  And without insurance could they have offered enough help?

This is one of the reasons that I believe that there should be universal health coverage in our country.  Sick people can become an incredible burden on society.  Keeping them well, and able to work, is much better.  At anyrate, I'm delighted to sing "Hi Ho, Hi Ho, and off to work I go."