Instability, or perhaps it was just the flu shot.

There are times I wonder why I continue to write this blog as I have been so stable that it seems I have little to say about being bipolar.  Of course, perhaps the most important thing I have to say is that with proper management and medication, bipolar people can live their lives with relatively stable moods.  

And then there are other times when the instability of my situation comes into play.

Family of origin issues are major triggers for instability.  So much so that at times I wish I didn't have a family of origin, except for the fact that without one I would not be.  Oh, the dilemma.  

The basic situation is straight forward.  My father owns a home on Flathead Lake.  He is enjoying good health and a long life.  He lives now in a senior housing community.  He has long term care insurance, but his good health precludes him from using it.  He has had an adequate pension, but his long life has resulted in those resources being depleted.  

And so it is time to for him to consider selling the place on the lake.  Our first choice would be to keep it in the family, and one sibling is considering buying it, but doesn't want to create division in the family.  Another sibling is adamantly opposed to its being sold, which ironically may result in it having to be sold outside of the family.  And still others have no problem with the sale and use of the proceeds to provide Dad the resources he needs at this time.  Complex issues and interpersonal dynamics.

Having been informed of the various issues surrounding the decision (which for the record will in the end be Dad's decision, not ours) I found myself plunging into a depressed state yesterday.  All I wanted to do was sleep, but I couldn't.  I lost my appetite, and left half of my steak dinner on the plate.  I welcomed in the new year by going to bed at 6:30 pm, and waking almost in time to say hello to 2017, 12:15 am.  

I write in self defense.  Writing has become a means for me to protect myself from these mood swings, to center myself, and reestablish some equilibrium. 

And then another thought comes into play.  Earlier last week I had my annual physical and with that, a flu shot.  Perhaps what I was experiencing health wise was simply a reaction to the flu shot.  It's hard to tell.

 Coping.  If I've learned anything through all the counseling I've participated in it is this:  It doesn't matter what happens, what matters is how we respond to what happens.  Secondly, we set our boundaries.  We do not let others drive our moods.  That will at times mean keeping others at arms length, of refusing to engage.

The struggle is how do we balance the need for personal intimacy with others, while limiting the vulnerability that such intimacy entails.  

I wish I had the answer to that question.  The more engaged I am with others, the more likely that I will experience violent mood swings.  But the alternative is to fall into isolation, and with that, depression.  

I thank God for our grandchild.  Jasper is a constant source of delight.  Just watching him grow and develop is good medicine for the soul.  

There are times I think that it would be a good idea to sell our home and move closer to my work.  (My commute is 40 miles one way to the cabinet shop, an additional 20 miles to the church.)  But the cost of moving would be that it would become more difficult to pick up hot fudge Sundaes and go spend a few minutes of delight with Jasper.  

Finally, there is the dream world.  Dreams have been, uh, shall I say entertaining of late.

This morning I had a dream (inbetween the first 12:15 wake up, and the 2:15 get up).  It began with forgetting to bring a printed copy of my sermon to worship.  When I arrived at church I discovered that in the process of installing all sorts of hi-tech equipment we had lost internet capability and I was not able to access my "drop box" to print off my sermon there.  Over the course of the dream, our little congregation's sanctuary morphed into a multi level mega Church sanctuary.  Many people from my past were part of the congregation.  But most entertaining of all was that while I was busy trying desparately to down load my sermon (which you can read at wanderingsthroughtheword.com, Year A, The Name of Jesus, Yeshua -- Yes my dream included my actual sermon for today) the service started without me.  The opening of the service involved a traveling troupe of transvestite entertainers (they came highly recommended) that were leading the congregation in an activity, a holy 'water wars' type of game (alla Bible Camp) in remembrance of our baptism. 

I kid you not.  That was the dream.  

I now have a vision of how to redevelop my little congregation into a mega Church. . . 

Sufficiency, Stability, and the Grace of God

There is a fear that has accompanied the experiences of the last few years.  We have experienced on challenge after another.  None of them have proven to be insurmountable.  We gotten through them.  For example, on numerous occasions I've been overwhelmed with the implications of my income taking one hit after another.  Financial ruin has seemed to loom on the horizon.  But those fears never materialized.  However, even as I have experienced this good fortune, I've continued to fear that sooner or later the other shoe will drop.

Yet, to date, our experience has been that with each challenge there have been the resources to deal with that.  Case in point, earlier this year I had to have a hernia repair.  Surgery is a major expense even with insurance.  And yet, we were able to pay cash for the deductible and co-pay.  And now, it seems as though the other shoe has dropped.  My wife requires surgery and it is scheduled for  tomorrow.  Yet once again, we have the resources to pay cash for the deductible and co-pay.  Two surgeries in one year.  Fears abound and yet are unfounded.

Sufficiency is what I'm learning.  I may not always have what I want, but what I have will be sufficient.  

And then, there is stability.  The meds seem to be working.  Life happens.  Sometimes shit happens.  But those things that at one point would have thrown me into mania or depression are not having that effect now.  One response to that is to wonder why I'm not more excited or depressed about life events.  For better or worse, what I've been accustomed to is fairly major responses to this experiences.  That's the nature of being bipolar.  Mood swings exceed the normal.  And yet, I'm getting used to a new normal.  And that takes some getting used to.  

Through it all, with every passing day, I am becoming more and more aware of the Grace of God.  Not only that, but learning anew the art of living one day at a time.  You see, by God's grace I have come to believe that I will have enough to meet the needs of today.  I may not have enough to 'guarantee' that tomorrow's needs will be met.  But for today, we're good.

My wife asked a couple days ago a question about this.  Namely, "Why us?"  There have been many people who have experienced financial hardships that have resulted in their losing their home.  Does it make sense to talk about the grace of God allowing us to keep ours, while others lose theirs?  Well, the truth is that losing our home may be another issue that we have to face sometime in the future.  I don't know.  There are no guarantees.

What I do believe is that if we are not able to keep this home, if we have to sell, we will still have enough.  I don't fear ending up living in the WalMart parking lot.  

And  yet there is another dimension.  That whether we have much, or little, what we have is and always will be, a gift from God.  And I guess that is what I've learned through all of this.

And one final word.  Today the congregation I serve will be voting to extend an offer to me to serve as their pastor.  What the future is in all this, I do not know.  But for today, it seems right.

And today is all we've got.