An End to Righteousness and Purity

"I will never again curse the ground because of humankind, for the inclination of the human heart is evil from youth; nor will I ever again destroy every living creature as I have done.”  Genesis 8:21

The early chapters of Genesis offer to us explanations for some of the epic questions of life.  One of those is the question of evil, and why God doesn’t act to wipe evil off the face of the earth.  Never again.  Following the flood, God’s resolve is that such an act of judgment will never again happen.  The reason is that “the human heart is evil from youth”.  In other words, if God were to destroy evil, there would be no end to the slaughter as at one level we are all inclined to wickedness.

And yet we offer up one lament after another for the wickedness that remains part of the human story.  This week was a bad one.  Two major assaults.  Bombs sent to Democratic leaders and activists.  And then there was the mass shooting at a Jewish house of worship in Pennsylvania. These seem to be at least in part politically motivated-- the work of deranged minds.  Are they at least in part the result of the harsh political divide in our country?  Yes, but it’s too early to come to conclusions.

Sometimes these acts of violence have had no motivation whatsoever, except to do evil.  At other times there is a motivation, a belief that somehow these acts are justified and serve a greater good.  The gunman believes that he is acting ‘for the good of all’ by destroying those who are responsible for the problems in society.  Early indications are that the gunman at the Jewish temple believed that Jews were responsible for the “invasion” of immigrants from South America.

Historically, one of the most pervasive causes of evil is ironically the belief in a utopian future.  If only certain people were overcome or eliminated, then evil would be eradicated from the earth.  Stalin purged the Russian population in the name of establishing a utopian socialist society.  Hitler believed that the eradication of the Jews would solve Europe’s problems and bring about a better world.  It was the “final solution”.  It is the belief that a greater good is being served that justifies acts of evil.  As people pursue a pure and perfect society, inevitably entire classes of people need to be eliminated for the sake of that purity.  And even in our country, Native Americans were seen as an obstacle that needed to be overcome in the building of this nation.  My ancestors were the direct beneficiaries of this effort as they were given land to homestead following the Indian wars.

If there is a solution to this, it is that we accept each other and the world as imperfect.   And part of that is accepting a rich diversity, not a pure unity. 

In the political realm this means embracing the give and take of a multiple party system.  Republicans and Democrats need each other’s perspective as correctives to their own.  The opposition party is not an impediment to progress, but an essential part of that.

Within the Church this means practicing love, forgiveness, and a reconciled diversity not a purified righteousness.  When metal is purified, the dross needs to be burned off.  This metaphor, though used in the bible, actually can never work in the church.  If we seek to purify the church of sinners, in the end nothing is left. 

That’s why in the history of salvation God decided to pursue the path of forgiveness and acceptance, not purity. 

At the end of the Bible, in the book of Revelation, we have a description of the final battle against the forces of evil.  One of the lessons of that is that evil will remain part of our world until the end.  No amount of effort on our part will be able to create a ‘pure’ society.  Instead, to live well means living with each other, faults and all.

We cannot solve the problem of evil in the world.  What we can do on a day to day basis is simply to love and accept one another, even in our differences.  You are not always going to agree with me or me with you.  Nevertheless, we are both part of the Church and the society.

As a church we are called to love one another.  As a society we need to practice civility in public discourse and relationships.  And we need to accept that this is an imperfect world that can never be purified.

When Life is Good

There is hope.  Not just the hopy/changy kind of thing politicians promise but are unable to deliver,  but genuine hope in the face of a potentially disabling disease.

I have not always experienced this hope.  Early on in my treatment for bipolar disorder I was sceptical about the prospects of leading a 'normal' life, whatever that is.  I feared that any 'normalcy' would only be the inbetween phase during the transition from manic highs to depressed lows, or vica versa.  Even that was an improvement.  Sometimes as I cycled from highs to lows, the transition was abrupt and almost violent, like falling off a cliff.  Along with major shifts that might take months to cycle I experienced a daily cycle.  I'd feel tolerably well early in the day, only to descend into a deep depression around mid afternoon.  I described it as being like the San Francisco fog that rolled in each day at a predictable time.

Lately, that cycling has been gone.  I'm not sure why, nor do I care why.  It just is.

It's hard to describe the experience.  Just normal, stable, consistent.  I don't cycle.  I thank God for the medications that are a major help in that regard.  I have energy to be productive.  I'm currently working on a side project in my shop, in addition to my normal work.  This is a good sign. 

Two major issues remain, and they are somewhat interrelated.  Insomnia and nicotine. 

It has been two months now since I've had a cigarette.  This would be a great achievement except for the fact that I've only succeeded at that by using nicotine replacement therapy, either with the patch or more recently, with vaping.  My current goal is to put enough time in free from cigarettes, that when I address the issue of cutting down and quitting nicotine entirely, I will not be tempted to buy that pack.  This has been difficult, to say the least.

The most difficult thing about quitting nicotine is that it destabilizes my moods.  Withdrawal brings with it irritability, anger, depression.  I genuinely don't like myself at those times.  And the trap is that I am quick to seek relief.  And because using doesn't carry with it the catastrophic consequences that, for example, having a drink might, it is easy to indulge and to alleviate the moods.  Because I'm bipolar, there is probably no greater fear than that associated with uncontrollable mood shifts.  This intensifies the issues concerning withdrawal and quitting.

My hopes remain.  My game plan at this point is that I will probably use lozenges to ease the transition from the vaping.  Either that or just attempt to gradually reduce the amount of time spent vaping.  Vaping has some advantages over smoking.  In that it is just water vapor that carries the nicotine, much of the negative issues around smoking are eliminated.  Yet it also has the same habitual behavioral issues.  I go out and take a break.

One of the differences is that when smoking one tends to commit to at least one whole cigarette.  At least I did.  With vaping you can take a few puffs and be done with it.  Or you can vape for an extended period of time.  That's the down side.

My main motivation for breaking free is the impact on the rest of my health.  When I first went on the patch my sleep patterns improved drastically.  Now with vaping, I'm back to my old patterns. 

Insomnia.  I first struggled with this during my teenage years.  I always had a hard time falling to sleep, though early on, once asleep I could sleep.  As I aged, and as the bipolar disorder became more pronounced, remaining asleep became a problem. 

Added to this is that these middle of the night times have become a part of my spiritual experience.  I crave the time for reflection and meditation.  The peaceful silence is golden. 

Also, in that sleep is a struggle I often feel relieved to wake up.  One of the things I experience is frustrating and repetitive dreams.  Not nightmares, just repetitive and irritating.  Getting up for a while interrupts this.

These two issues aside, life is good.  Much improved over what it has been and for that I'm grateful.

One of the best things is the confidence with which I can live these days.

One of the fears I had when I was first diagnosed is that I might experience highly undesirable symptoms which might have devastating consequences.  Mania can manifest itself in inappropriate sexual drives and behaviors.  My concern regarding this was related to, among other things, my profession.  In fact, during the time of my being on disability I questioned whether the Church could ever allow one such as me to function as a pastor again.  It is prudent for the Church to allow a bipolar person to be a pastor when one of the defining symptoms of mania is sexual indiscretions?  I thought not.

As I've stabilized on medications, this fear has subsided.  Just take your meds, dude!

That's something one has to remember.  I'm feeling the way I'm feeling in large part due to the medications I am on.  It's easy to convince oneself that 'I'm better now, and don't need the medications anymore.'  Nope.  Don't believe it.  Not for a minute.

Actually, the last time I determined that I didn't need meds, I replaced them with Scotch.  That did not have a good result.

The only downside to the meds is that my insurance company is not pleased that I'm on a lifetime regiment.  And my meds exceed my monthly premium, substantially.  They lose money on me.

On this matter I'm humored.  Portico Benefits is our church's insurance.  They use Express Scripts to manage the prescription drug plan.  Express Scripts has a pharmacy.  What I'm humored by is that when I was using a local pharmacy, Express Scripts, on behalf of Portico, was continually asking that my doctors justify the medications they were prescribing.  This was irritating as these are 'lifetime' meds.  I'll never get off them.  But when I started buying the meds from Express Scripts, they no longer question them.  I wonder if Portico knows that.

Well, its time to lay down again.  Sleep is good, when I can get it.

52,260 Hours

At least then I could sleep (pass out).  Were it not for my insomnia, I might never have started drinking heavily.  I awake this day, the first time at 9:35 last evening, and then subsequently at about midnight.  I'll be up for a  while now.  Perhaps I'll sleep later.

Overwhelmed with emotion.  As I remembered last night the events of six years ago, and the subsequent journey into sobriety I simply started crying.  Tears of joy.  It been a long journey, trudging every step of the way.  But it is simply the way of life, not death. 

There was a time when sobriety was indeed an hour by hour challenge.  I clung to my Alcoholics Anonymous group as a lifeline.  My greatest fear was of relapse.  Sobriety was my highest priority.  There was/is nothing that I'd place higher on that list.  I mean that.  It's that important.  I would get a divorce if I were unable to remain sober in this relationship.  I would abandon my faith in God if that were detrimental to my sobriety.  Thankfully my wife and my faith community support my sobriety and I haven't been faced with that choice.

I call heaven and earth to witness against you today that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Choose life so that you and your descendants may live, loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and holding fast to him; for that means life to you and length of days, so that you may live in the land that the Lord swore to give to your ancestors, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.  (Deuteronomy 30:19-20)

These verses could have been written just for me.  And for any person who is an alcoholic. 

It hasn't been a bed of roses.  Some suggest that if an alcoholic will just stop drinking, then life will be so much better.  Actually I faced the biggest challenges of my life in sobriety.  I faced them in part because I was not able to hide behind the drinking anymore.  Early recovery.  Disabling depression and anxiety.  Partial complex seizures.  Resignation of call.  An attempt at a new business.  Moving from depression into mania.  Then back to depression.  Finally a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and appropriate medication.  Then, and only then, did life genuinely start to improve.

Inch by inch I was able to re-enter ministry.  Going to  church initially caused partial complex seizures.  The first time I stood before American Lutheran in Newport to simply read the lessons I was terrified.  Then, step by step, I crossed one threshold after another.  Teaching.  Preaching.  Leading worship.  Supply preaching.  An appointment as a transitional minister.  And now, just recently a regular call to part time ministry.

I sometimes wonder if I could now drink responsibly.  Yet even if I was 'cured' of my alcoholism, sobriety is the only option as all of my psychiatric drugs preclude alcohol use.  I think as a whole psychiatrists are just not appreciative of drinking as a way of life.  Perhaps because for so many like me, it never can be.

One of the most overwhelming things has been the way that God provided for us during this time.  I hesitate to claim that providence because some have not experienced it.  But we have.  We were able to negotiate disability, The loss of both of our jobs, and an unsuccessful attempt at a business.  All this while we adjusted to a mortgage on our new home, purchased just a short while before the collapse.  Bottom line:  not a payment has been missed.  Not a single payment.

One of the issues I must live with now is the necessity to be vigilant regarding my bipolar diagnosis.  It is humbling to have to recognize that part of who I am is symptomatic of a disease.  My grand plans-- mania.  My melancholy, not the creative contemplation of a philosopher, but depression.

Two mantras have come to me during this period of my life.  "God flunked chemistry." is one of them.  It reflects the frustration with maintaining the appropriate chemical balance within my head.  Forgive me, God. 

The second is "What I lacked in righteousness, I made up for in timidity."  I actually got into enough trouble as it is.  Were I bolder I shudder to think of the consequences of either my drinking or my being bipolar.

As I reflect on the role of the Church, I'm drawn back to an earlier crisis in my life and a conviction that arose there.  "The calling of the Church is to believe on behalf of the besieged, for that is their only lifeline to faith."  Sometimes it is not possible for us to have faith in and of ourselves.  Others need to carry us faithfully through the void.  And one day faith will return.

And finally, my prayer during these last few  years:

Hold me tight, most precious Lord,

That I may follow you.

Grant me grace to live each day,

May I be born anew.

Lift me up whene'er I fall

And never let me fade

from the grace filled light

Of your own sight

That turns the night to day.

The high cost of 'love'.

Why?  Why the tolerance?  Why the acceptance of being a victim?  And why the persistence to remain in unhealthy relationships?

"It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper as his partner."  The truth here is that 'it is not good for anyone to be alone', and so they yearn for an intimate connection with others.  It's a basic condition of human life.  And the unfortunate reality is that for some, deprivation of healthy intimacy and relationships that are life giving results in a willingness to accept abuse as a cost of love.

It's a matter also of self worth.  Many victims simply don't believe that they deserve better, or even worse, they have no concept of what a healthy relationship looks like. 

A woman who was going to terminate her engagement, chooses instead to go ahead with the marriage after her fiance' hits her.  (His strong reaction to the possibility of losing her convinced her that he truly loved her, even if loving her involved hitting her.)  Another woman, who answered in the affirmative about 2/3 of the questions in an abuse screening tool, dismisses those instances of abuse, including physical violence, as being acceptable because 'she had it coming'.  The controlling behavior, the threats and intimidation, are signs of the deep love that the abuser has for the abused.  This is the victim mentality.

That's one dimension of abuse.  Another is that abusers often display a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde mentality.  Abuse one moment.  Lavish displays of love the next.  And the yearning to be loved leads one to accept the former for the sake of the latter.

"Dave, if you were a woman you would have slapped him in the face and been done with it!"  I had brought the matter of an unwanted proposition to the matter of the chaplain of my Clinical Pastoral Education group.  My fear was actually that if I outright rejected the person I would cause harm to him.  Never mind the harm that was being caused to me. I was concerned for his well being.  (This individual went on to be sentenced to life in prison for numerous crimes against adolescents.)

Victims of abuse may defend and protect their abuser. 

The abuse I experienced as a youth was directly related to the deprivation I experienced from my parents and a harsh judgment and discipline I received from them for having shoplifted, and a feeling of deep yearning for a meaningful relationship.  I viewed the relationship with my abuser as the most grace filled experience of my childhood.  It was life sustaining for me.  I felt loved.  He built up my self esteem.  He was my band director.  I wanted to please him.  I gave myself wholeheartedly to this effort.  I made All State Chorus four times, All State Honors Choir once, and All State Band three times.  I received far more affirmation from him for these accomplishments than I did from my parents.

My conviction that this relationship was so grace filled and life giving continued throughout my teenage  years, through seminary, and up to that point at which I had children approaching the age I was when the abuse occurred.  During Clinical Pastoral Education we told our life stories.  As I shared about my relationship with Tony, my supervisors and colleagues challenged me about the nature of that relationship.  I was adamant that it was a positive life giving relationship.  I was unable to see anything wrong with it.

Having children changed that.  The reason?  When I imagined that happening to one of my children, my visceral reaction was that 'I'd kill anyone that did that to my kids'.  You see I valued them that much more than I valued myself.  I was willing to accept the abuse because the love I felt was so desperately needed.  And I didn't deserve anything better.  But my children absolutely did.

I was a happily married pastor with two children before I realized this.  I feel some shame to admit that all my training and life experiences took so long to change my assessment of the abuser.  He was my friend.  My needed friend.  The only one who really cared for me and affirmed me. 

Actually, my first inkling that something was amiss with that relationship occurred when I was a sophomore in college, the last time I saw him.  I had called him because I was leaving Sioux Falls to move to Tacoma, where I would marry my wife in a few short months.  I had grown a beard, which at that time was a scraggly goatee.  He hated it and told me to shave it off because it hid 'my cute face'.  I haven't shaved since.

The desperate need to be loved leaves people vulnerable.  Deprivation is the handmaiden of abuse.  Remember that.

Hug your kids.  Hug them often.  Love them.  And let them know you do.