It's been over five years now, since I had my last drink. Time to remember, reflect, and share.
Some people I know were out of control with their drinking from day one. Not me. It was probably harder for me to admit I was an alcoholic because I had thirty years or so of normal drinking patterns that seemed like evidence to the contrary. For most of my adult life I drank an occasional beer, mostly during the summer months, during football season, and with certain meals such as pizza. There were some occasions where I drank heavily, such as at the pastor's conference. But most the time I drank no more than a beer or two. And only occasionally.
Then life happened.
First I was prescribed Ativan for depression, insomnia, and anxiety. It is a drug that works on the same receptors in the brain as alcohol, with effects so similar that it is also used to manage alcohol withdrawal symptoms in treatment. I was told point blank at the time that I had to quit drinking. My psychiatrist put it this way: "I can't effectively treat your depression if you continue taking a depressant (alcohol). No problem. I just didn't drink.
What the doctor didn't tell me is that long-term usage of Ativan can produce "tolerance, dependence, addiction, benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome, cognitive impairments, etc., which is why it is generally not recommended for use treatment beyond two to four weeks." However, it is often prescribed for long term use.
After a number of years, a change of employment, a new home, I felt great and decided to cease treatment for depression. My doctor, Brad, recommended I reduce the dose of Ativan prior to ceasing completely, and also warned that some people develop a drinking problem after going off of Ativan. I was unphased because I had never had a drinking problem, and was quite confident I never would have.
Prior to ceasing medication I had begun to drink moderately, as in 6 to 7 fluid ounces of Scotch per week. A couple of Scotch doubles, usually on the night a friend came over for dessert. In spite of my doctor's warning, that drinking became a nightly affair immediately upon quitting Ativan. My financial records of purchases confirm that I was now drinking 6 to 7 fluid ounces a day, not a week.
This is what I believe happens in the development of alcoholism.
First of all, a normal person has an adverse reaction to alcohol as a toxin in their body. That's why it's called 'intoxication'. Some people such as my wife so dislike this feeling that they will not drink enough to even begin to feel the effect. Many people like the feeling of early intoxication. That' why they drink.
When a consistent pattern of drinking develops, the body adapts to the presence of alcohol in the system, called 'habituation', and no longer has as strong a reaction against the alcohol as before. The drinker who once got a buzz with the first drink now must drink more to feel the same effect. Which if you are drinking for the effect means you will drink more.
The next stage is that as one drinks more and more to achieve the effect of intoxication the body adapts to the presence of alcohol to the extent that it now has an adverse reaction to the lack of alcohol in the system, that is withdrawal symptoms, not to the presence of alcohol in the system. During a particularly stressful time in my life I stated to a friend that "It takes two drinks for me to feel sober." I thought it was a joke but it was actually true. I had to drink to feel normal. At that point I had become an alcoholic, beyond a doubt.
Though an alcoholic probably doesn't realize this. Toward the end, I was concerned that my congregation might smell alcohol on my breath Sunday morning, so I quit drinking Saturday night. I got the shakes Sunday mornings as a result, though I didn't understand it to have anything to do with my drinking. I couldn't pour the wine from the pouring chalice. I didn't know what was happening but blamed it on stress, or something. Only after treatment did I recognize I was going through detoxification.
If an alcoholic could simply manage by maintaining a base level of alcohol in their system at all times they would. Anything to avoid withdrawal. But the problem is with the habituating properties of alcohol. It takes more and more to achieve the same effect. But there is only so much of this toxin that the body can tolerate-- before it simply shuts down. That shut down comes first as 'passing out'. And then, the body's systems get so depressed they shut down entirely--that's called dying, by the way.
My rock bottom came in part because a doctor had prescribed Ativan again for me. Circumstances at work sent my into a rage one afternoon, and after consuming a fifth of Scotch that afternoon and evening, I still felt I needed something and so I took Ativan. The combination of the two almost killed me.
Why does an alcoholic allow this to happen? One of the reasons is that to the alcoholic it appears that they are in control. I used alcohol to 'control' my moods, or so I thought. This is one of the reasons people with mood disorders such as Bipolar Disorder often become addicted. Alcohol gives them some control. One drink, two drinks, three drinks, four, I knew what I was drinking for. "I'm in control" means "I don't need help". Do you have a drinking problem? No, I have no problem drinking.
I avoided some of the pitfalls of drinking. I sat out on my deck, drinking myself to sleep at night, but rarely drank out on the town, and did not drive drunk (well, not very often). My heaviest consumption was when I was alone. Most of the time I convinced myself that I was only having a couple of drinks, a nightcap, and that was not a problem. At the end those couple of drinks averaged 9 to 10 fluid ounces a day of Scotch. Bigger glasses, less ice, kept the 'drink' total at two. The truth is that 9 to 10 fluid ounces is consider at the minimum, 7 drinks, some would consider it 10. That sounds like heavy drinking. And it was an average.
Now I'm free. I've gone through detoxification, dealt with many of the issues that contributed to the drinking, and no longer experience cravings. The smell of Scotch is repulsive to me, now. I can be around people drinking wine or beer, just not Scotch.
I share my story hoping that it will not be your story. Even a lifetime of drinking normally is no guarantee against developing alcoholism. Some people are more prone than others, but it is possible, I am convinced, for anyone to become alcoholic. No one is immune. Especially vulnerable are those with other issues like bipolar disorder, depression, or other mental illnesses. Genetics can also play a role.
I don't have a problem with normal people drinking normally. Some people drink for the taste, not the effect. Some people drink occasionally, not consistently. Some people will enjoy their last drink like they enjoyed their first. But not all. Remember that.
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