Being Me, And Only Me

Having gone through as much psychotherapy as I have, I'd like to think that I've established better personal boundaries.  I am growing in my understanding about who I am and who I am not.  Even more so, I like to believe that I've become much more comfortable just being me, and only me.

Over the years I've spent in ministry I've struggled with being torn between simply being me, and attempting to be that which will please others, specifically my parishioners who often seemed to have some quite explicit expectations about who I should be.  For better or for worse, I am who I am and there is little to be gained and much to be lost in trying to be anything else.

Case in point.  Throughout much of my career I kept my political inclinations strictly to myself, and with the exception of those who worked at the polling places, no one knew whether I was a registered Democrat or Republican.  Living in Idaho, a very Republican part of the country, populated with some very conservative, right wing Republicans, I often felt it was a matter of professional survival to keep my Democratic inclinations under wrap.

And then there was the day that I shared with a trusted parishioner, "Gee, I wonder how they would react if they knew I was a Democrat?"  The response was straight forward.  "Oh, we've all figured that out long ago."

One encounters some risks with being honest about one's identity.  Especially in this highly polarized climate that we live in.  "I've never understood how one can be both a Christian and a Democrat, especially a pastor."  Actual quote from a parishioner.  Part of my mission, I've decided is to challenge such presumptions.  

Other areas of my life also have found me drawn to being very open and forthright about who I am.  I write this blog about being Bipolar.  There is a lot of stigma about being mentally ill, even when one is well treated.  And yet if people like me are not open about our struggles how will other people ever come to appreciate that mental illness is not some grave condition that is to be feared.  I live a quite normal life now.  I'm bipolar but functioning.  Its good for people to know that.

Neither am I ashamed to admit I'm a recovering alcoholic.  I should have been ashamed, perhaps, when I was drinking like a fish.  But, I wasn't.  I'll always remember the words of an alcoholic that led an AA Meeting in my congregation in Baker.  I was expressing my concern about maintaining their privacy and anonymity as they met, and he responded, "The whole world saw me when I was drunk, why would I care if they see me now that I'm sober."

There is a risk about being honest about who you are.  You might experience rejection.  But if people never know who you are you will never experience true acceptance either.  Perhaps you will be able to create a public image of yourself that is 'acceptable', but to the extent that image is not who you really are, they are not accepting the real you.  

And so I've resolved to rise or fall on the basis of who I am, and only who I am.  People who have read this blog over the years have a pretty good idea of who I am.  Although there is a lot I have not included here just because its not part of the focus of the blog.  But of that material that is included, know this, that I've sought to be as honest as I can be.

In the end, we only have one life to live.  Given that one shot at life, I believe it is better to live our own life, than pretending to be someone other than who we are.  That would be a waste of everything.