Sleep,or Not.

Sleep has been a constant problem, since my adolescence.  The irregularities concerning sleep have varied over time, but the lack of a consistent, healthy sleep pattern has remained constant.  A good night's sleep, illusive as it may be, is the end that has justified many means.

Early one in my life, transitions were the problem.  When awake, I could stay awake late into the night or even for days at a time without a noticeable problem.  But once asleep, I had a hard time waking.  During adolescence, when sleep problems first manifested themselves, I began by staying up late.  I became a Johny Carson fan and never missed an episode.  At the conclusion of the show, I would stack six or seven albums on my record player and attempt to sleep with the music providing the 'white noise' in the background.  By morning, I was finally in a deep sleep and could not wake up without difficulty.  My father rigged  up an alarm bell in the ceiling above my bed that they could activate from upstairs, and leave ringing until I got out of bed and went upstairs to turn it off.

During college and my years in seminary, I dealt with my sleep disorder by studying late into the night.  I found that I was most alert after 10 pm, and completed most of my work between 10 and 2 am.  One semester in college I purposely arranged my schedule with late afternoon classes and evening classes so that I could stay up till 2 or 3 in the morning, and then sleep past noon.  Even then, waking was extremely problematic.  I found myself dependent on roommates, or later, my wife to wake me up as devices such as alarm clocks could easily be ignored or turned off.  The irregular sleep pattern was difficult on relationships, whether a roommate or my wife, simply because some people actually wanted to be undisturbed by my 'alternative' schedule.

After I got married, in an attempt to regulate the sleep pattern I found that an excessive amount of walking late in the evening helped me get to sleep.  I would typically leave the house about 9 pm and walk until I was so exhausted that I could fall asleep.  This might involve 2 or 3 hours of walking, I suppose 8 to 10 miles of pavement pounding.  I became notorious in the communities in which I lived and well known by the police departments, who on many occasions had been called to investigate who this person was walking about the neighborhoods late at night.  There were times when I wondered about my safety as I walked late at night.  Then I realized that I was the one everyone was frightened by.  I wore my knees out in the process.

When I was first diagnosed with depression, I was put on Ativan, and anti-anxiety drug that also helps sleep.  Of all the remedies, Ativan, or lorazapam, was the most effective.  With it I could fall asleep on schedule and sleep for 8 hours or so.  After about four years, I decided that my depression had passed and that I could go off all medications, including the Ativan.  What I didn't realize was that the Ativan was addictive and worked on the same receptors in the brain as alcohol.  Upon quitting the Ativan, I immediately replaced it with alcohol, and found that a couple of "Scotch doubles" (my definition of a "double" varied greatly over time, and I would get really irritated at what a restaurant or bar considered a double).  Alcohol worked for me as well as the Ativan had, though my dependence on it brought a whole lot of other problems that would have to be addressed later.

When I went through chemical dependency treatment for the alcohol, my psychiatrist informed me that both alcohol & Ativan (which I had resumed taking prior to that time) were now off limits.  My "bottom" that had led me into treatment had involved taking Ativan and alcohol simultaneously, which is not to be recommended.  I nearly died that night.

Since then, my anti-depressant medications and the mood stabilizer all have a sedative side effect, though non-addictive.  And I have been prescribed trazodone to specificallly aid the insomnia.  One of the impacts that this has had on me is that now, going to sleep is no longer the problem.  I struggle to stay awake until bedtime, which has moved up from midnight or later to 8:30 pm.  But then I wake.  I begin waking up as early as 10:30 or 11, but more frequently at 1 to 2 am.  I am typically, after a half hour or so awake, able to get back to sleep for an additional hour or so, but then by 3 or 4 am I can no longer sleep.  I have subsequently been diagnosed with sleep apnea, requiring the use of a CPAP, but that has not changed the basic sleep pattern.  During the day I find myself overwhelmed with drowsiness, which is a problem in that my work as a woodworker involves using tools that are dangerous to operate while drowsy.  Occasionally, I can take a nap and actually feel rested afterward, but normally that is not effective.

It seems such a simple thing.  A night's sleep.  But a solution to my insomnia has been the most illusive issue I've dealt with since adolescence.  And to this day, the greatest threat to both my remaining on medications and my sobriety is this simple desire -- to have a full night's sleep.